Ship
by Mr.Henry
Summary: The ship-board computer scans an unidentified flying object, which apparently has no life. Curious, the Dwarfers venture inside, only to find they alone as it seems...


**RED DWARF: SHIP.**

The scanning room was filled to the seams, with swift, incomprehensible talking, light-speed typing, and the usual electronical buzz. Occupying were Kryten, a 4000 series mechanoid, Dave Lister the last human being in the universe, and Rimmer. A complete gimp.

And they had located. An unidentified craft. Organic in structure.

"What is it?" Lister questioned Kryten, typing away speedily.

"An Unidentified Flying Object sir," Kryten responded, "According to Holly there is seems to be no sign of life..."

The Cat sauntered in mirror in one hand, hairdryer in the other.

"WOOOWWWLLL, I'm looking good for a cooooool cat!" Cat screeched, sliding across to the plug socket, already fitted with the plug to the power supply for the Scanning Room. Cat's face flickered with a hint of frustration. His hand reached for the plug, but as he began to pull it out, in order to replace it with his hairdryer plug, he was stopped by Rimmer, pointing a bony finger straight at him.

"Don't you even think about it..." Rimmer muttered. Cat frowned, and turned away itching to use the hairdryer.

"What about my hair, I gotta have sophistication, not look like a some mangy dog!" he yelled sadly, "I've gotta make myself sharp for what's down there..."

"There is no life sir..." Kryten insisted firmly.

"Still, I suggest we get down there, check it out..." Lister suggested, heading away.

The UFO's interior was not as they expected. Decaying, contaminated, and messy, it was not. It was extremely a hi-tech craft.

"Not as bad as we thought, hey buddy!" Cat said, smiling ear to ear, as they strolled down the corridor.

"Compared to the time we we visited the parallel universe, due to a fault of the Holly Hop Drive, this is bliss..." Rimmer answered, still dubious of what to expect.

"That wasn't a UFO..." Lister stated, glancing left and right, as he stopped at the intersection.

"You know what I mean, my female opposite felt beyond human, more like a sex-obsessed beast, treating me like I was her sex slave, the way she grabbed my goodies, every chance she got..." Rimmer retorted, shuddering at the memory.

"That was ages ago Rimmer..." Lister chuckled, glancing at his watchface to see Holly.

"Alright dudes? An update, um... It seems I hadn't scanned the craft quite completely, and there's something, well quite a few somethings..." Holly confessed slowly.

"What somethings you gimboid?" Rimmer asked, his face reddening.

"Big somethings, quite big..." Holly replied quickly, "Just get out of here."

"But sir, you said there were no signs of life..." Kryten responded with confusion.

"So far, I didn't say I checked the rest..." Holly replied in defense.

"Why didn't you say, sir?" Kryten questioned, his eyes darting around in worry.

"You never asked..." Holly retorted, then flickered away.

"Cheers, Hol." Lister murmured angrily, "I don't know 'bout you guys, but I'm heading back to the bu-guys?" Lister glanced around him, but the crew were hurtling away, shook with fright. Then a sudden ear-piercing roar, sounded from the distance. Lister spun around, and raced back through the maze of corridors.

Further ahead, Kryten, Rimmer, and Cat, were heading back towards the ship's landing bay.

"Mr. Rimmer, sir," Kryten hollered with speed, "What about Mr. Lister?"

"Yeah, Boys from the Dwarf, buddy." Cat added reasonably. Another roar, and the unsettling scream of Third Technician Dave Lister. Then. Silence.

"I think it's too late for that now..." Rimmer responded, almost a whisper. Kryten understood, and the Cat nodded. They'd heard the roar, the scream. It was most obvious what had happened.

"My bud!" Cat shouted in horror, and raced back into the labyrinth.

"I suggest we help save Mr. Lister, it's only fair that we do, after all he is the last human being n the universe..." Kryten suggested to Rimmer, who by now was backing away.

"Fair? Going in there, and getting our stomach's torn open by some inane mutants? It's mentally insane!" Rimmer responded, walking towards Starbug.

"Mr. Rimmer sir, please, don't be such a smee... Smee. Smee-oh spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska!" Kryten bellowed, and ran after the Cat. Rimmer paused for a second, then slowly carried on his journey back to Starbug. Then he halted. Couldn't he do one couragess to save one of his crew...? For once in his life have some guts for once? Then again, if he went in there, he probably have them ripped out by an army of mutants. But could he have some just for once? Could he?

No he couldn't.


End file.
